Monthly Archives: April 2011

Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure

The fight against cancer goes on.  In today’s society everyone knows someone who has been touched by breast cancer.  Whether it’s a friend or relative, someone in your circle has battled breast cancer.  I have found a way to fight against cancer- through the Susan G. Komen CNY Race for the Cure®.  I will be dedicating my walk to Allison, who is currently battling breast cancer.
The Komen Race for the Cure is a community event that honors and memorializes breast cancer survivors, co-survivors and those that have lost to the disease.  The Race also plays a vital role inraising funds for research, education, prevention, advocacy and treatment.  Each year over 1.3 million people take part in Race for the Cure events around the world.   My team will be joined by hundreds of others on May 14 at the New York State Fairgrounds.

How can you help?
You can support me by making a tax-deductible contribution to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. If you would like to donate, please visit Kara with Al’s Rack Pack and click on my personal page to make a donation to my efforts.  You may also call me with the amount you will be pledging and can send the donation, payable to the CNY Race for the Cure, to me at the address below.  I must have all donations by (insert donation due date here).

Additionally, you can join me at the event as a walker, runner or volunteer for the event.  There are many ways to join in on the fight to end breast cancer forever.

Thank you for supporting the fight against cancer!

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I have no insight into this.  I woke up with the phrase, “I want to run through the halls of my hight school, I want to scream at the top of my lungs”  Running through my head.  Then again, maybe it’s the scream at the top of my lungs part, I have been wanting to do that for the last few days but haven’t found sufficient privacy to do it.

No Such Thing Lyrics
Artist(Band):John Mayer

“Welcome to the real world”, she said to me

Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I’d like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
That something’s better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there’s no such thing as the real world
just a lie you’ve got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can’t find the answers
And all of our parents
They’re getting older
I wonder if they’ve wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something’s better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there’s no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible (x3)
As long as I’m alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there’s no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you’ve got to rise above

I just can’t wait til my 10 year reunion
I’m gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for


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Angry, So Very Angry

How can I be angry with God, today of all days, Easter Sunday, and yet I am.  Very angry.  I’ve kept that anger, or tried to keep that anger bottled up deep inside, not even acknowledging it to myself for 5 years.  I’ve done this because He is God, His ways are higher than mine, He knows the plans He has for me, He is in control, He is worth of all honor and Glory.  All of this has been reinforced in my life, and yet, these very truths ring as platitudes when applied to this hurt.  This one that I fail to understand and even knowing that I may never understand I can’t help but cry out “WHY!”

“Why, God, why MY son, why my grief, why me?  I know that you used it for good, I know that many found healing through my grief, I know that without the loss I wouldn’t have the son I have.  And yet, I still don’t understand why in the midst of ministering before Your Throne, I as stood singing Your praises and leading others into Your presence in worship, I lost my child.  The one I had longed for for many years.  Of all my friends, I was the one who WANTED children, yet I was the last to have any.  Even my baby sister had one first!  I am angry, You allowed it, You gave your permission for this.  I know that Job said, ‘The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord’ yet he also cried out “WHY!”  I do believe Your ways are higher than mine, You know the plans You have for me, You are in control, and that You are worthy of all honor and glory and praise. I know those to be Truth.  Yet, I also believe that you are able to handle my anger, my confusion, my desperation.  You and You alone can pull me through this and give me hope.  I don’t know how to let go of the anger, I can’t forgive on my own, but I think I’m finally willing to allow you to work that out in me.  You did with my first husband.  I couldn’t forgive him, yet through You, I did. So once again, I turn my will over to you.  I will to let go of this anger, I will to forgive You for allowing this to happen.  Now, please, please, please bring my emotions in line with my will because they are crushing me.”

‘Yes Lord, Yes Lord’ used to be one of my favorite songs.  It’s actually titled “Trading my sorrows” by Darrell Evans

I’m trading my sorrow

I’m trading my shame

I’m laying them down for the Joy of the Lord

I’m trading my sickness

I’m trading my pain

I’m laying them down for the Joy of the Lord

We say, Yes Lord Yes Lord Yes Yes Lord

Yes Lord Yes Lord Yes Yes Lord

Yes Lord Yes Lord Yes Yes Lord Amen

I am pressed but not crushed Persecuted not abandoned

Struck down but not destroyed

I am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure

That His Joy’s going to be my strength

Though sorrow may last for the night

His Joy comes in the morning

I have not been able to sing that song since February 2006.  I stood before our congregation and lead worship with that song as I was miscarrying my first pregnancy.  I thought I meant those words.  I also thought that God would honor my sacrifice of praise and save my baby.  I’ve come to realize I didn’t really mean what I was singing because it hinged on God doing what I thought He should do.  He didn’t.  We found out that next week that I had lost that baby anyway.

I’ve been going through a tremendous shake up of my faith this year.  I guess it’s only fitting that God force me to examine my beliefs in this matter also.  I’ve refused to deal with the hurt and anger towards God for the last 5 years.  I’ve stuffed it down and it’s exploded into other areas of my life, leaving me wondering “Where did that come from?”  Now I know.  I’ve expressed anger toward my parents, toward my husband, even toward my son simply because I refused to express it toward God, the one I’m truly angry with.

I don’t know how to let it go, other than to ask Him to help me as I did above.  I’m finally to the point where I want to let it go. I think.  What I do know is that I can’t go on like this.  My emotional reaction to “Trading my Sorrows” is getting more violent, I’m unable to control it.

Control, wow, that’s a big one.  I don’t like to feel out of control, yet that’s exactly what He is calling me to.  To allow Him to have total control, of my life, of  my will, of my emotions.  The first two are easier.  That last one, if I let go of the control I have on my emotions, I might embarrass myself.  I might start crying in front of others, I might start wailing inappropriately.  That scares me to death!  I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

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Happy Easter

He is Risen!

Hallelujah!

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Look What The Lord Has Done

I know a lot of people are being very solemn and retrospective this weekend, however, this is what I woke up to this morning.

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Look what the Lord has done

Look what the Lord has done

He healed my body

He touched my mind

He saved me, oh, just in time

And I’m gonna praise His name

Each day is just the same

Come on and praise Him

Look what the Lord Has done.

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If you’re not familiar with the tune that goes with that song, it’s very upbeat, danceable even, most assuredly jump up and down to the beat inviting.  That’s it for the words. As my husband usually said, “Then repeat ad-nausium”  But such a simple truth.

Look what the Lord has done.  In your life, what has He done?  Look beyond the pie in the sky in the sweet by and by I’ll go to heaven joy and really look at what the Lord is doing in your life today and what He has done in the past.

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He healed my body…

My baby brother has received more miraculous healings than any one person I know.

First off, he wasn’t supposed to be born, none of us were, the Dr’s told my parents that mom would likely never get pregnant and if she did sh’d have trouble.

J is number 3.

She was scheduled for a hysterectomy when they found out he was there.  She canceled the surgery.

Dr’s told her that was foolish, her uterus was prolapsing (lacked support) and she was running the risk of baby, uterus, and internal organs falling out and bleeding to death before help could arrive.

But they had prayed and mom was drawn to the verse, “Joy is brought into the home when a man-child is born”.

I remember my mom standing on her head in a corner, doing all she could to hang on to that little baby as it grew.  J was born not only at full term but 6 weeks late.

Look what the Lord has done...

At the age of 2, he and my sister, 6, were playing in the bathroom when she stepped on the scale and cut off the nail and nail bed of one of his fingers.

Mom and dad wrapped his bleeding hand and after getting a neighbor for us, rushed to the hospital, praying the whole time.

When they unwrapped his hand to show the Dr, it was perfectly fine, although the cloth was soaked in blood, miraculous healing.

Look what the Lord has done…

Because he was overdone in the womb by 6 weeks, he had heart problems.

His tricuspid valve had fused together and instead of 3 flaps opening and closing, he had 2.

Dr’s said he’d need multiple surgeries starting at age 7 to replace the valve as he grew.

We couldn’t let him cry or get a cold or run, it could kill him.  He went in to be monitored often, and he was prayed for often.

We had one missionary come and while he was visiting he prayed for J.  He told Dad later that it was the oddest experience for him.  Usually, when he prayed for someone, he felt something move through him into the person he was praying for.  With J, he felt it come back to him from J.

Shortly after that, J had an appointment for an ultrasound of the valve, they did this often to make sure it wasn’t getting any worse.

The tech did the test, then redid the test, then did it a third time, then got up and said,”I need to go get the Dr.”  When the Dr came in they ran the test 2 more times.

He then turned to my parents and said, “I don’t know what has happened and if I wasn’t the one who read the last test I wouldn’t believe this, but, your son’s heart is perfectly fine.  There is not a thing wrong with it.  That doesn’t happen.  I can’t explain it.”

Dad said, “I can.”

The Dr had to write in his chart, Miraculous healing.

Look what the Lord has done…

I could go on about the time he broke his thumb, or the time he drowned in Costa Rica and was saved by an Angel, but I think you get the idea.

He healed my body.

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He touched my mind..

My dad tells a story about when he was a teenager.

His little sister played a stupid little joke that gets the person, in this case her big brother, to end up hitting themselves in the face.

Dad had a temper, and when he ended up hitting himself in the face, his next move was as he withdrew his hand from his face he gained force and backhanded his little sister.

Across the room.

He was appalled with himself.

By this time he knew he had a call to pastor and that he couldn’t do that effectively if he couldn’t get control of his temper.

But, he couldn’t, only God could.

After much prayer and allowing God to touch his mind, the gentle giant was.  I never knew my Dad’s temper.

I only saw a glimpse of it once, as I lay gasping for breath in the waiting room of an ER as they waited for my parents to arrive for 2 hours before giving me any oxygen (that’s also another miraculous healing story).

We he came in and saw me laying there limp with blue lips, I saw his face get red, I saw the temper begin to rise and I heard him very quietly, but with such force that EVERYONE heard him, say “God Damn it!”

That was the only time I have ever heard him use that phrase, EVER.

Mom quietly turned him back outside and then went to the nurses desk.

They all knew him, he was up there often with parishioners.  You should have seen them scurry to take care of me after that.

When Dad came back in, he was still angry, but had allowed God to once again, get that temper under control.

Look what the Lord has done…

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He saved me, just in time…

I ran from God for a long time.

I knew there was a call to ministry on my life.  I knew it involved speaking in front of people.

I hate speaking in front of people.

I’m an introvert, I liked the quiet, in the back, service type ministries. Loved nursery work.

Yet, I knew God was calling me to preach and teach and I didn’t want to do it.

Knowing that I would never have peace in church as long as I was saying no, I  left, I ran.

I refused to be a hypocrite.  I ran far.

No church, started partying, married a man I knew that I shouldn’t.

Three years later, that marriage was falling apart, I was miserable, and I turned to the Only One who I knew could “fix-it”.

He did, my husband went back and forth for about a year on whether he wanted to be married to me or not.  He eventually choose to leave me and embrace the homosexual lifestyle.

Through it all, my prayer was, “Lord give me wisdom, help me show you to him, if this marriage can be saved show me how.  But if not, let the end come quickly.”

It did, in the form of him moving out and living with his boyfriend.

It took another year for the divorce to go through, He filed in Iowa, I had filed in Texas, his went through first.  We had lost all contact by that point.

I still pray for him.

But, my mind has been renewed, my way of thinking has changed.

It took 7 more years of walking out my wilfulness.  Then God brought a wonderful Man of God into my life.

We’ve been happily married for almost 6 years.  We have a beautiful son, and we are each others best friend.

Look what the Lord has done…

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I’m going to praise His name.

How can I not?

This is just the tip of the ice burg of what God has done for our family.

This is not the foundation of our faith.

As J told mom a few years ago when we were struggling to understand why God wasn’t healing her as he had done so many times before.

My baby brother, whom up until that time we were unsure where his faith was, he came out with a truth so strong and true, I am forever changed.

“Mom, I’m worried about the foundation of your faith.  It can’t be built on what God does for you.  He sent His Son, to die on the cross, to redeem us from sin. If He never did another thing for you, He’s done enough to earn your faith in Him.  Jesus is enough.”

WOW!  I never saw J as a man until that moment.  He was 25.  I’d say he has a firm foundation in Christ.

If He never did another thing for us, He’s done enough.

Yet He does do for us, He does give us healings, and He does touch our minds, and many a time I’ve seen Him reach down and save us just in time.

I don’t know about you, but everyday, not just on Easter, I’m going to praise His name.

Look what the Lord has done…

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Why I Read My Bible

Why I read my Bible…

As Easter approaches I’ve been on a journey to really get to know this guy who lived 2000 years ago, Jesus.  I grew up in church, slept on/under the pews many an evening as service went long or someone needed to counsel with my parents who were the pastors.

I know of  Him, I know about Him, but I’m coming to realize, I don’t KNOW Him.  I’ve decided to concentrate on the Gospels, what better way to get to know Him than to listen to what He has to say.  There has been some radical shake-ups in my core beliefs, how I thought this Christianity thing worked.

There have been some verses I’ve come across that I have heard quoted but I’m finding out, they don’t mean what I thought they meant.  They were taken out of context and twisted to make a point.  That will shake you up.  You begin to wonder what else you’ve taken for granted because that’s just what you’ve always heard.

So, I read and I study, and I’ve decided to really find out for myself what this radical Rabi from Galilee had to say, and why so many were willing to be imprisoned/beaten/die for Him.  That’s why I read my Bible, to know Him for myself.

Linked in with Vanderbilt Wife at…

Why I...

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Uniquely Male

I woke up this morning with the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real running through my head.

***WARNING***

What you are about to read

may be considered offensive to some

This will NOT be politically correct.


I think the feminist movement did a lot of damage to us.  I did warn you.  Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe in equal pay for equal work, equal opportunity. I agree with womans rights to freedom, make choices, and do what she wants to do.  However, there has been a plethora of unintended (at least I pray they were unintended) consequences.  Take for one the definition of equal.  Equal does not mean “the same”, only in math must equal be the same.  Out here in the gender wars equal can be very different.  Yet we have tried to force sameness on everyone.

I choose to stay home.  I know some women who would love to stay home but can’t.  I know some women who would rather have a daily root canal than not go to work in their chosen field.  Are we all equal?  YES!  Are we the same?  NO!

I think what I object to the most out of the whole feminist movement is the emasculation of the male.  They fought so hard to be considered equal, then the fight turned to “We are woman, hear us roar” and the impression that was given was not of equality but of superiority.  A song from the 70’s comes to mind.

“I can bring home the bacon

Fry it up in a pan,”

The next line says “And never let you forget you’re a man”  with a heavy sexual tone. However, that in itself is demeaning to men.  It implies that sex is all they are needed for.  And we now have a generation of men who believe that lie.

Watch just about any sit-com or really any show or movie and what you see is men portrayed as one more child the wife is responsible for.   It tears my heart, as a mother of a son, to think of how his unique qualities of maleness will be squelched, how he will be told to embrace his femininity, and hide his masculinity.  I pray that his father and I are able to counter that cultural voice with a Godly voice of how to be the Man of God that God made him to be.

Again, it’s all in how definitions have changed.  Masculinity has taken on a negative connotation.  It has been portrayed as brute force, dumb jock, insensitive clod. Yet when I think of masculinity, I see Christ.  Not the mousey, puny, weakling that some portray Him to be, but the carpenter (think construction work), strong, fully God yet fully man, power held in control Messiah.

We are facing a crisis of manhood.  Fathers abandoning their children. Husbands present physically and financially, but not emotionally. Or the opposite, so emotionally raw themselves they are unable to provide emotional security for their family.  Men, in their maleness, are a necessary part of society.

I, as a wife, want my husband to have an opinion, about everything, and not just the same as mine.

I do not want a “Yes, Dear” robot that just hands me a check and goes and watches sports.

I want a man who engages with his children, helps to care for them, to raise them up into productive members of society (that’s a whole ‘nother rant) even if he does things different from how I would.  And he does, very different.

But that is good.

Different is good, God made us male and female and I don’t think he was only talking about our reproductive equipment.

I think this may turn into a series.  There is so much more to say and I’d like to do some study into gender roles in the Bible, history, and society.  But for today, I hope I made you think, evaluate your definitions, your view of the world around you.

I know this would offend some people, but I’m getting really tired of not being able to have an open and honest discussion about some world views simply because “someone” might take offense.  We can not take every thing offensive out of society, hard as we try (again, whole different rant) but it’s not possible.  I have two favorite quotes.  I don’t know who said either one, but they were right on target with truth.

“You can please some of the people all of the time,

You can please all of the people some of the time,

But, you can’t please all of the people all of the time.”

Yet we try, that’s what P.C. is all about, trying to please all of the people all of the time, don’t offend anyone.  Can’t be done!

I also like,

“A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still”

I can’t argue my way to everyone believing as I do, and that’s okay.  Back to “Different is Good!”  We can agree to disagree, agreeably.  I’d rather have that than pretending to all agree with each other.

Tolerance.  Another redefined word.

Get ready, I see a lot of off-shoot posts coming.

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