Angry, So Very Angry

How can I be angry with God, today of all days, Easter Sunday, and yet I am.  Very angry.  I’ve kept that anger, or tried to keep that anger bottled up deep inside, not even acknowledging it to myself for 5 years.  I’ve done this because He is God, His ways are higher than mine, He knows the plans He has for me, He is in control, He is worth of all honor and Glory.  All of this has been reinforced in my life, and yet, these very truths ring as platitudes when applied to this hurt.  This one that I fail to understand and even knowing that I may never understand I can’t help but cry out “WHY!”

“Why, God, why MY son, why my grief, why me?  I know that you used it for good, I know that many found healing through my grief, I know that without the loss I wouldn’t have the son I have.  And yet, I still don’t understand why in the midst of ministering before Your Throne, I as stood singing Your praises and leading others into Your presence in worship, I lost my child.  The one I had longed for for many years.  Of all my friends, I was the one who WANTED children, yet I was the last to have any.  Even my baby sister had one first!  I am angry, You allowed it, You gave your permission for this.  I know that Job said, ‘The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord’ yet he also cried out “WHY!”  I do believe Your ways are higher than mine, You know the plans You have for me, You are in control, and that You are worthy of all honor and glory and praise. I know those to be Truth.  Yet, I also believe that you are able to handle my anger, my confusion, my desperation.  You and You alone can pull me through this and give me hope.  I don’t know how to let go of the anger, I can’t forgive on my own, but I think I’m finally willing to allow you to work that out in me.  You did with my first husband.  I couldn’t forgive him, yet through You, I did. So once again, I turn my will over to you.  I will to let go of this anger, I will to forgive You for allowing this to happen.  Now, please, please, please bring my emotions in line with my will because they are crushing me.”

‘Yes Lord, Yes Lord’ used to be one of my favorite songs.  It’s actually titled “Trading my sorrows” by Darrell Evans

I’m trading my sorrow

I’m trading my shame

I’m laying them down for the Joy of the Lord

I’m trading my sickness

I’m trading my pain

I’m laying them down for the Joy of the Lord

We say, Yes Lord Yes Lord Yes Yes Lord

Yes Lord Yes Lord Yes Yes Lord

Yes Lord Yes Lord Yes Yes Lord Amen

I am pressed but not crushed Persecuted not abandoned

Struck down but not destroyed

I am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure

That His Joy’s going to be my strength

Though sorrow may last for the night

His Joy comes in the morning

I have not been able to sing that song since February 2006.  I stood before our congregation and lead worship with that song as I was miscarrying my first pregnancy.  I thought I meant those words.  I also thought that God would honor my sacrifice of praise and save my baby.  I’ve come to realize I didn’t really mean what I was singing because it hinged on God doing what I thought He should do.  He didn’t.  We found out that next week that I had lost that baby anyway.

I’ve been going through a tremendous shake up of my faith this year.  I guess it’s only fitting that God force me to examine my beliefs in this matter also.  I’ve refused to deal with the hurt and anger towards God for the last 5 years.  I’ve stuffed it down and it’s exploded into other areas of my life, leaving me wondering “Where did that come from?”  Now I know.  I’ve expressed anger toward my parents, toward my husband, even toward my son simply because I refused to express it toward God, the one I’m truly angry with.

I don’t know how to let it go, other than to ask Him to help me as I did above.  I’m finally to the point where I want to let it go. I think.  What I do know is that I can’t go on like this.  My emotional reaction to “Trading my Sorrows” is getting more violent, I’m unable to control it.

Control, wow, that’s a big one.  I don’t like to feel out of control, yet that’s exactly what He is calling me to.  To allow Him to have total control, of my life, of  my will, of my emotions.  The first two are easier.  That last one, if I let go of the control I have on my emotions, I might embarrass myself.  I might start crying in front of others, I might start wailing inappropriately.  That scares me to death!  I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

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